Happy Monday

I have a wonderful, well-rounded and fulfilling life. Envy me my Monday.

• As I stepped into an elevator the only other occupant said, "I'm going to get a rope, wrap it around your neck and yank it 'til it snaps." Once my pulse rate dropped enough for me to realise that he was speaking to the automated voice announcing the floors, I tried to placate him by pointing out that at least she didn't have an American accent. He stared at me and left without another word.
• Bought a pineapple for a colleague. I think he was a little embarrassed by that.
• Found my missing underwear by raking through the mountain of shit on my bedroom floor.
• Considered hosing down the inferno of embarrassing enquiries about my travel plans by cancelling them altogether in favour of simply asking the nice boy who makes my coffee out for a drink. Cheaper, less effort and I might get sex out of it.
• Edited an article written by the manager of a community-based health care organisation that contained the line, We have no interest in contesting or opposing your basic human rights. (In the market for clean drinking water and freedom from slavery? No problem!)
• Despite a compelling urge to the contrary, managed to not tell my workmates what an obnoxious prat one of our number made of himself on Saturday night under the ruinous charm of Mistress Vodka, thereby benevolently keeping his reputation intact. Maybe I'll tell them tomorrow.
• Bought some diarrhoea medication for a loved one in the wake of the dinner I cooked last night.
• Had a six-year-old go hungry rather than eat the dinner I cooked tonight.
• Considered moving to Canada.
• Said "dick cheese" at a work lunch.
• Saved myself the awkwardness of asking a geeky friend to fix my computer by fixing it myself. I was inordinately proud of this, but my dirty secret is that it was a complete fluke.
• Did my laundry.
• Rolled over the cat’s tail with my chair.

Look upon my feats, ye mighty, and despair!