Office Guns

Stress. I've got it in big, drippy chunks. I had considered your usual array of stress-reduction strategies like yoga, good diet, indiscriminate drunken sex, meditation and so on, but my friend Magoo has kindly let me into a secret which renders such efforts unnecessary: Office guns.

It started in a meeting. We were playing bullshit bingo, and on the third round I thought to myself: "Oh my God! Can't someone just shoot that bastard?" I was getting tired of bullshit bingo and was fingering with some office supplies. As a sworn Lego-fan, I always try to connect things together. I was connecting two Maulies, then suddenly one of them flew across the room and hit the boring speaker right on the nose. He got a nose-bleed and had to stop the presentation early.

Later that week, people came in to thank me. Some even brought chocolate. But most of them wanted to know where I had bought that fabulous gun. I showed them how it was made. They were thrilled and from that day on, we haven't had a single boring presentation.

Someone said to me that I could patent the use of the Maulies and sell the ideas. But I told him: "There is enough greed in the world. I want to help people. I want their life to be a better life. I want them to have what I have. A whole range of guns. Made from office supplies."

Oh yeah! Screw that mediation I've got scheduled for next week -- my workplace irritant is copping a Super Maul first thing Monday morning, then I'm heading out for an early four-hour lunch.

(To Do List: sharpen pencils.)