New World Order

Having been raised in a democracy I had long been of the unshakeable belief that it was The Only Way. The Right Way. This conviction has been substantially eroded over recent years and so now, if it's all the same to you, I've overthrown the goverment and installed myself as benevolent dictator. I'm sure you'll be much happier for it.

There will, of course, be a few minor adjustments to be made. You should receive in the mail a handy fridge magnet outlining the changes within the next week. Please keep your magnet in a prominent place where all members of your household can see it -- ignorance of the new laws will not protect you from prosecution, I'm afraid.

Below is the first section of new laws, with more to follow.

1. Anyone using powertools on weekends will have one digit sawn off for each hour before 10am that noise commenced. Should powertools cause dust to blow across a neighbouring yard, particularly if that neighbour has washing on the line, the perpetrator shall be required to injest one cup of dust. No drinks shall be issued.

2. Anyone found in possession of a leafblower shall be shot on site. No discussion shall be entered into on this matter.

3. If a person has a door held open for them, or an elevator held, and they fail to acknowledge or thank the person affording them this courtesy, the perpetrator shall be required to present themselves for tattooing. The words RUDE IGNORANT BASTARD shall be tattooed on their forehead with the compasses from a Kent set and a biro ink/vinegar mix. Their head shall then be shaved.

4. Ambient music in public places such as shopping centres or outdoor malls is as banned as banned can be. Playing of music by a list of proscribed "artists" shall be punished by removal of teeth by pliers. This list is available upon application. In addition, any establishment playing music at a volume prohibiting conversation at a normal level shall be required to issue their patrons with unlimited food and drinks, free of charge. The manager shall then be forced to listen to 8 hours of loud polka music, with hourly flogging with electrical cables for the duration.

5. Any passengers left waiting for a bus for more than ten minutes past the timetabled arrival shall be issued with a voucher for lunch to the value of $25, redeemable at the venue of their choosing. The driver shall apologise to each passenger for the inconvenience as they board.

6. Any shoe designer producing footwear that is painful, uncomfortable, dangerous or in any other way decreed by me to be silly shall have emotionally disturbed dogs set upon them. The perpetrator shall have the opportunity to evade these dogs, but must do so in the offending shoes on a slippery sloping surface whilst wearing a tight knee-length skirt.

7. Atmospheric temperatures exceeding 30'C shall no longer be permitted.